


The Hero's Shoulders

by Tdtori



Category: Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (2016), Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: Canon Compliant, Hope, Survivor Guilt, except for the fact Jyn is the only survivor from Scarif
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-28
Updated: 2016-12-28
Packaged: 2018-09-11 05:04:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,190
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8954746
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tdtori/pseuds/Tdtori
Summary: “Jyn…” Mon starts and Jyn is already ready to burst into tears. “You were the only survivor. I'm so sorry, but everyone else was killed after the Death Star attack. We...we tried finding the others, but they were already dead and we didn't have time to search everywhere.”





	

**Author's Note:**

> Title is borrowed from Richard Siken (who else?), the full poem is 
> 
> “We have not touched the stars,  
> nor are we forgiven, which brings us back  
> to the hero’s shoulders and the gentleness that comes,  
> not from the absence of violence, but despite  
> the abundance of it.”

She wakes up in a cold sweat, panting, and sits straight up in the cold bed in medical. 

 

There's a small window in her room and she can tell that it's still nighttime. It's quiet on the base, but Jyn still hears some noise, probably from the droids. 

 

Almost immediately one of them enters her room.“Jyn, do you need any assistance?” 

 

She jumps and shakes her head. “Fi-fine. Just can't fall asleep.” She forces a smile and hopes the droid leaves, she really just wants to be alone right now. Ever since the attack she's wanted to be alone, but it's hard with droids taking care of her and various members of the Alliance wanting to speak to her. None of them truly understand what she's going through and it makes it hard to talk to them about it.

 

They understand loss, but Jyn doesn't think they know everything she has witnessed and experienced, so they project their experiences onto her. It's hard and makes her feel even more lonely.

 

“Your heart is beating quite rapidly. Do you need a sedative?”

 

Jyn swallows hard and looks back out the window. “I'm fine.”

 

Once again the quiet consumes her and she sits up, pulling her knees close to her chest. It's been years, but still she wonders what would've happened if Krennic never found her father. If her mother never died and she was never taken away from the only home she had known. 

 

It's an ignorant thought. It's a selfish one too. The rebels would still be fighting without her and working on taking down the Empire. Cassian would still be fighting, spying, and watching the lines blur even more. The Alliance would've worked without her. 

 

She chokes back a sob. It seems so silly to cry about it now, it's been a week since the base on Scarif was destroyed. It's been a week since she became the only survivor of the disaster. 

 

Crying is not something Jyn is used to doing. She cried when her father died, of course, and when she got his message, but outside of those two events Jyn doesn't cry. 

 

So, yes, even after only a week it seems silly to cry about it.  

 

That doesn't mean she's over it. It doesn't mean Jyn’s accepted the outcome and how everyone else is dead. It just means she doesn't want to waste tears on it.

 

\-----

 

The first day she had woken up in tears and a panic attack. She wasn't suppose to be alive, she has accepted death. They had gotten the plans out. It had taken a while to remember every terrible thing that has happened. The people and the X-Wings getting shot relentlessly. Krennic about to kill her before Cassian shot him. The blast from the Death Star off in the distance ready to obliterate everything in its path.

 

She remembers the starship on the beach and how they loaded both her and Cassian inside. She remembers the droids who swarmed Cassian to fix his shoulder, to patch him up. To Jyn, it seemed like a routine patch it. A simple surgery. 

 

Hell, even Jyn herself had sewn herself up, so obviously droids have more technology than that.

 

Then everything kind of goes dark. Jyn doesn't remember anything after that. She has a theory that the droids injected her with a sedative to make her fall asleep. Making sure she didn't see what happened after. Of course, no one will admit to this, but they don't really need to.

 

That first day she wakes up Mon Mothman enters her room, smiling faintly. “I would just like to say, first of all, that we’re all very grateful for what you did. You are a true hero of the rebellion.”

 

Jyn is still trying to remember how to breath properly and wiping the sweat off her forehead. “Where's Cassian? He's okay, right?”

 

Mon’s smile fades quickly. “Jyn, we’re very sorry, but he did not survive. His wound was infected and he has already lost a lot of blood. Cassian died shortly after we picked you two up.”

 

Jyn shakes her head, heart speeding back up again. No, no that can't be. “What about Bodhi? He was able to fly out, right? Or...or Chirrut? Baze was with him, they survived, right?”

 

“Jyn…” Mon starts and Jyn is already ready to burst into tears. “You were the only survivor. I'm so sorry, but everyone else was killed after the Death Star attack. We...we tried finding the others, but they were already dead and we didn't have time to search everywhere.”

 

She wants to scream, but no sound comes out, she's frozen where she's sitting on the bed. She can't be the only survivor, there has to be  _ someone _ . 

 

Mon says something else, but Jyn isn't listening, her eyes focused on the window and the space beyond. 

 

She's all alone. Jyn can't help but to think if this is how her papa felt after he went back with Krennic. 

 

\-----

 

Jyn doesn't believe in any religious or supernatural being, but she tries talking to any of them; pleading with them to bring Cassian, the only one whose body is on the base, back. She doesn't  _ deserve  _ to be the only survivor. She only just bought into the Rebel Alliance, the other had been fighting for years. They had been on the front lines, or hiding in the shadows, they had been the ones dedicated to the cause.

 

Jyn has only been a rebel for a few weeks. If her father hadn't died she may not have even became as dedicated to the cause as she did. 

 

She pushes the thought of her father out of her mind, she can't deal with all the deaths at once. There have been so many of them, it's hard to keep track. 

 

“They believed in me.” Jyn whispers to herself. Not just the ones aboard Rouge One, but all of the others in the Alliance did too eventually. They gave their life because of a message only Jyn heard, there was a chance it wasn't going to be true. Still, they followed her. 

 

\-----

 

The second day after the attack was even harder.

 

“Would you like to say goodbye to Captain Andor?” One of the droids asked her after she managed to eat a small breakfast.

 

(Eating was hard. Most of the time she wanted to throw up. Most of the time she  _ does  _ throw it up.)

 

Part of her doesn't want to. Wants to just let them send his ashes into space and get it over with. 

 

Jyn knows she has to say goodbye, she would do it even if everyone else was dead, but on the base. So, she nods her head and slowly follows the droid down numerous hallways. 

 

There's a sheet cover him and Jyn slowly pulls it back. Cassian looks peaceful, like he's just sleeping, and she smiles a little. The droid then leaves, making her all by herself.

 

“I...I don't think I can thank you enough, Cassian. For...finally believing in me and for helping me get the   plans. For saving my life.” She sniffles and thinks maybe she should just go now, because this is harder than she expected it to be. “You really had no reason to believe in me, but I'm so glad you did, because this whole plan wouldn't have worked without you. You brought all the other Alliance members to me, you helped come up with the plans once we landed. None of this would've been possible without you.” Jyn falls to her knees, sobbing. “You should be the one alive, not me. I'm...I didn't even believe in this a month ago, you gave up everything, because you believed in the Alliance. The Alliance  _ needs  _ you...what are they going to do with me? I don't know what I'm doing…”

 

She gives herself a few more minutes to cry, to really let it all out, before pulling herself up to her feet, wiping her eyes, and calming herself back down. She smiles a bit at Cassian. “May the force be with you...even in death.”

 

\-----

 

Nobody tells her, but she hears it from one of the officers that the Death Star plans are unaccounted for and that the Princess is missing. 

 

“Scarif was all for nothing.” One man whispers. “All those lives lost for nothing. We shouldn't have gone in the first place!”

 

Another voice, a woman’s. “It was Erso’s idea and then everyone  _ had  _ to follow her. She's a criminal, she's not in charge of the rebellion. What hope do we have now?”

 

The man scoffs. “Erso did say that rebellions are built on hope. Honestly, she never fought for us before what does she know about any of this? Mothma made a mistake when she sent the whole damn fleet there. We have  _ nothing  _ to show for it anymore.”

 

Then there's just silence. Jyn can't move, can hardly breathe, this is all her fault. All those people dead are because of her and now the Death Star plans are missing. The Princess captured.

 

She wants to cry, but she holds the tears back, crying won't help. There has to be hope, the plans will end up in the right hands and the Princess will be found. Jyn repeats this to herself, but she knows it sounds ridiculous. 

 

Really, what hope  _ do  _ they have?

 

\-----

 

The third day is when things really start to set in, when Jyn realizes she's truly alone.

 

There is no Cassian or Bodhi or even K2. Her father is dead. There is only Jyn. 

 

Yes, there are other people on the base, and she's at least on good terms with Mon Mothma, but the people she fought with are dead. Nobody trusts her anymore and she's pretty sure nobody wants her on the base anymore. 

 

She wants to say it was worth it, but all she thinks of us X-Wings being shot out of the sky, the sounds of screaming, dead bodies on the beach, and Cassian’s body in the morgue. All she can think of is the missing plans and Princess. Her nightmares and panic attacks tell a different story.

 

Jyn’s sure that Cassian, Bodhi, Îmwe, Baze, and all the others would say it was worth it, that they died for a cause they believed in. 

 

She just wishes she could say the same thing.

 

\-----

 

“It's called survivor’s guilt.” Mon Mothma tells her after Jyn sits in on a Council meeting. 

 

Jyn wasn't really paying attention to the meeting, but she remembers hearing about Princess Leia and a certain Jedi Knight. It seems fanatical, because she remembers Baze telling her that there were no more Jedis. That conversation seems like a lifetime ago. 

 

(“Obi-Wan  _ is  _ our hope!” One of the Council members say. 

 

“We have no idea if the boy is even ready!” Another says. Jyn has no idea who the boy is and doesn't ask.)

 

“What?” She says, finally processing the words Mon just told her. 

 

“You feel guilty about being the only survivor, it's called survivor’s guilt what you are feeling.” Mon gives her the small smile that frequents her facial expressions. “I know things are hard right now, this isn't the most...welcoming place at the moment, but this is a part of war. These sort of things happen and none of this is your fault, Jyn.”

 

Jyn doesn't really want to talk about it, because how could she not feel guilty? Hundreds of rebels are dead now. A handful of those rebels were the ones who volunteered after the Council meeting, who flew in the Rogue One with her, who followed Cassian and her’s command. Princess Leia is captured by Darth Vader and who knows where the plans are right now. 

 

All that blood? It's on her, no one else.

 

“It's quite common, you know.”

 

Most of the time her silence makes the other person walk away, frustrated that they can't be the one to get Jyn to crack. Mon is the complete opposite, Jyn’s silence is just a reply. “How can I not be guilty? Those rebels had been part of the Alliance for  _ years. _ I joined a couple of weeks ago, yet I am the one who is alive. It's not fair."

 

Mon nods her head and takes a seat at the round table, motioning for Jyn to do the same. “It's only been a week since the attack, you must give yourself time to grieve and move on. When your father died you became loyal to the Alliance, yes?”

 

Jyn thinks she's grieved quite a lot the past week. She actually let herself cry when saying goodbye to Cassian, something that hardly ever happens. “I appreciate the concern, but I don't think grieving is going to do anything. It certainly won't bring any of them back.  Grieving is not going to bring Princess Leia back."

 

“That is true, yes, but grieving is a natural part of life. You're allowed to mourn.” Mon smiles. “I think you have multiple events you need to grieve about, if the intel I got about your...childhood is correct.”

 

Jyn sighs and swallows hard, she hadn't thought about her childhood in a while. She was eight when she could get a perfect headshot with a blaster. There was no childhood after Krennic ruined everything, after he completely destroyed her life. “Like I said, I appreciate the concern and I will try to mourn, but that doesn't change the fact that I shouldn't be alive.”

 

“Oh, Jyn,” She says sadly. “I think you should start thinking about  _ why  _ you are alive. What purpose could the galaxy have for you?”

 

“I don't know!” Jyn yells. “I don't  _ care _ ! I had my father die in my arms and then...and then I watched thousands of people die. I heard their screaming and watched X-Wing pilots get shot out of the sky. Krennic almost killed me, but do you know who saved my life? It was Cassian, who I already thought was dead. You have no idea what I saw, what I heard, that day. All those people who died should be here, or at least one of them. And now the Council blames  _ me  _ for losing the plans and Princess Leia’s capture. I was just trying to do the  _ right  _ thing.” She crumples and puts her head down on the table, sobbing. 

 

It felt good to get it all out, even though Jyn was a little sorry about yelling at Mon and the fact that she drew a crowd because of it. Still, even as Mon put a hand on her back, she can't stop crying. It all felt like too much to bare. There were too many horrors inside her and for fifteen years she had not been granted the chance to mourn; to mourn her mother, and father to a degree, to mourn her childhood, then her father for real, and now for the rebels who lost their lives. She didn’t get to mourn the man who raised her, Saw Gerrera. Jyn doesn't think she even properly mourned Cassian.

 

She hardly knew Cassian, but he had ended up believing her and staying with her until they figured they were both goners. His last words, “ _ Your father would be proud of you _ ”, still echoing in her mind; she's thankful he spent his last words on making her feel better. She wishes she could've done the same to him. It was Cassian who welcomed her home to the Alliance, who killed Krennic, and ended up disobeying orders to kill her father. 

 

It feels like she cries forever, her eyes feel puffy and heavy, her entire body weak. Mon is still there sitting next to her with a hand on her back. “Do you feel better?”

 

“A little? But crying doesn't...it won't bring them back.” Jyn sniffles and she feels so young. No one this young should have to bare all this, should be forced to keep alive the memory of so many, to have to deal with absolute death and destruction. She's exhausted, mentally and physically, but Jyn also knows she can't give up now. 

 

There's no way she can throw everything away and just give up, that's not what Cassian or Bodhi or any of the others would've done. She can't go back to bed and just hope everything ends up okay. That's not what they died for, it's not what her papa died for, they died for  _ change;  _ f or the chance of leaving the world in a better place. It would be easy to run away, to pack up and let the other rebels deal with this, but then she remembers her own words to the Council  _“You give way to an enemy this evil with this much power and you condemn the galaxy to an eternity of submission.”_. She couldn't give way to the Empire now, not ever.

 

There are still tears in her eyes and she still feels like she could have another breakdown, but Jyn takes a deep breath to gather herself. If she's still alive, if she's still breathing, then she should still be fighting for the Alliance.

 

Screw the Council for blaming her. They won't be able to get rid of her that quickly.

 

\-----

 

It's probably not perfect timing, but Jyn finds herself bursting into the Council meeting with all eyes on her. “I want to help.” Everyone keeps looking at her, whispering among themselves about what is going on. “I want to fight for the Alliance.”

 

The Council members all stare at her in disbelief. The really did think she was just going to leave them, just give up and go back to being a criminal, Jyn smiles a little bit to herself. Nothing better than proving people wrong, she thinks.

 

Mon Mothma smiles that knowing smile, because Jyn figures Mon knew this was going to happen eventually. Like she knew that Jyn would still go to Scarif and fight even though she told the rest of the Alliance they weren’t going to go. “Take a seat, _Lieutenant_ Jyn Erso.” There's more muttering, objections to her rank, but Mon just smiles at Jyn. "We have a lot of work to do."

 

\-----

 

Jyn doesn't think she’ll ever move on from the events on Scarif. She’ll carry those memories and the victims inside her for as long as she lives. She’ll wake up in a cold sweat with nightmares more often than not about the events. She’ll remember her mama, papa, Bodhi, Cassian, Saw, Chirrut, and Baze for as long as she lives. 

 

Jyn knows there will be days where she cries, wishing for just one them to come back to help her, to guide her. There will be days where the survivor’s guilt is worse than others. There will be days where she wants to give up.

 

Jyn _also_ knows that fighting for the Alliance, fighting against the Empire, is the best way to honor those who she has lost. 

 

But it's more than just honoring the victims; it's about fighting for a future or, at the very least, the hope of a future. 

**Author's Note:**

> I've Rogue One three times now and knew I wanted to write this after the first viewing. I might write more in this verse, because I'm intrigued on how Jyn would cope.


End file.
